I Hate Loneliness, But It Loves Me

^

That's how I feel..

I find myself extremely alone... The people I've made as friends are leaving.. And the people I try and be friends with are already safe enough in their own group of friends that I've no space to fit in.. I mean, no ones really unkind to me or anything, but.. I just don't fit in.. Becky's leaving.. Mike's leaving.. Elias already left me... Shelbi.. Shelbi's leaving... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'd prefer for eeryone to just hate me everywhere. At least that way, I wouldn't have to struggle to try and make relationships. I'm just gonna give up on everything...

The Shooting Star Project

[:

~

I remember. The first time I truly realized that Shelbi was the one for me.. [:

`

It was a Saturday night.. Her and I had just been at the social gathering for Olde Towne DT, and she still had a while until she had to head back home. So, instead of stopping at her car, we simply passed it and went straight to Worthing. And just for the realization; we'd barely even kissed by this point... That was the most we'd ever done.. Little kisses on the lips and rubbin' our noses together.... ^.^

`

So, we get to Worthing, and we head over to the school park, where other kids happened to be hanging out at as well, at 10:30 at night. We just kinda ignored them until they went away.. Then we explored the rest of the park.. Eventually, we layed down on top of one of the pieces of playground equipment.. As we were lying there, we both saw a shooting star go by..

`

She'd never seen a shooting star in real life before...

`

And they they all went flying by.. [:

`

We just so happened to have ssettled down just in time for a meteor shower.. And that's when I was hit with the realization. It was the 'Sleep-Watch' moment I said I wanted before... The feeling at least.. But, I have had plenty of actual moments like that since just to further verify my beliefs..

`

And, in turn, we are today happily together for 4 months [: We've barely ever argued, and typically, when we do, it's completely jovial [: I absolutely love my Shelbi Lynne...

:D E>

Nice To Meet You. [I Will Beat You.]

Dissidia: Final Fantasy

Soooooooooooo. I've decided to nerd it up for a bit [: I'm gonna play through the entire Final Fantasy series! So far, I'm only missing VIII, XI, and Tactics. I've been playing Dissidia and Crisis Core like crazy lately.. But!! I've made slight progression on FFI. So!! Whenever I finish these games, I'll clue ya' in!! :D

Peace!

Right Of My Heart

According To You

According to you:

I'm stupid,

I'm useless,

I can't do anything right.

According to you:

I'm difficult,

Hard to please,

Forever changing my mind.

I'm a mess in a dress,

Can't show up on time,

Even if it would save my life.

According to you.

According to you.

But according to him:

I'm Beautiful,

Incredible,

He can't get me out of his head.

According to him:

I'm funny,

Irresestible,

Everything he ever wanted.

Everything is opposite,

I don't feel like stopping it,

So baby tell me what I got to lose.

He's into me for everything I'm not;

According to you.

According to you:

I'm boring,

I'm moody,

You can't take me any place.

According to you:

I suck at telling jokes 'cuz I always give it away.

I'm the girl with the worst attention span,

You're the boy who puts up with it.

According to you.

According to you.

But according to him:

I'm beautiful,

Incredible,

He can't get me out of his head.

According to him:

I'm funny,

Irresistible,

Everything he ever wanted.

Everything is opposite,

I don't feel like stopping it,

So baby tell me what I got to lose.

He's into me for everything I'm not;

According to you.

I need to feel appreciated,

Like I'm not hated.

Oh, no.

Why can't you see me through his eyes?

It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay.

According to me:

You're stupid.

You're useless.

You can't do anything right.

But according to him:

I'm beautiful,

Incredible,

He can't get me out of his head.

According to him:

I'm funny,

Irresistible,

Everything he ever wanted.

Everything is opposite,

I don't feel like stopping it,

Baby tell me what I got to lose.

He's into me for everything I'm not;

According to you. {You, you}

According to you. {You, you}

According to you:

I'm stupid.

I'm useless.

I can't do anything right.

This song made me think about stuff.. And kinda made me feel really good [: I just interchange out he/him/his/etc. for she/her/hers/etc.... ;P

Monster And A Transfer Pt. 2 [The Deathberry]

It's A Happy BLEACH HALLOWEEN!!!!

Turn Back The Pendulum 10

Psyduck--That one's for Mike [:

So. I wrote a note on facebook, and decided to somewhat copy Natasha and post it here [: Along with my usual random pics/ vids/ whatever ;P

TEN things I wish I could say to 10 different people:

1. Hi [: I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.. I don't know how I ever found you.. When we first met, I would've given anything just to be your friend. You're just soooo perfect for me. You're an actress, you're a drummer, you wear converse.. I don't even know what else to say about you... I can't express these feelings well enough [: I love you E>

2. Fuck you. I can't stand you, brah. 'Cept for the fact that I absolutely love you, man. You're my best friend. We're exactly the same. Except, of course, for that one small difference, that, although I always give you shit for it, I can't quite remember it [; We both know I gotta problem, dude. But, even when you ditch me for months at a time, I know that if I really needed your help, I got it. You're my brother from no other mother. We're bound to have the same birthday, and we can say that 'cuz you don't know when yours is ;P You and I are one and the same. I love you, bro. Come back ]:

3. I LOVE YOU, SISSY!!! :D You're always there for me, more than any other girl ever has been. Through all the crazy girls I've gone through, you've stood there and watched my back, helped me keep my heart mostly in tact. I know there was only so much you could do from the other side of the country, but you still managed to do every bit of it. I don't know how I could ever repay you for remaining my bestest friend since 3rd grade. We know that we're both crazy, just for puttin' up with one another :D I love ya!

4. You're probably one of my newest best friends. Just met ya this summer, and now we hang out all the time. Or.. At least as much as both our incomes allow.. :P We've had a bunch of good times, dealing with each other less-than-intelligent moments, 'Leaving Iowa,' strkie for 'Fuddy Meers.' Plenty of other times. I envy you a lot. I think you're really talented in acting, really sociable and good at making friends, I sometimes wish I was more like you. You kick ass, and 'I love you, Man' [; (Even if I still haven't seen that movie, as much as you insist :P )

5. We used to be really close. Then, shit happened. I know what people said, I know what everyone said. I know all the assumptions and accusations amde about me, but I don't care. I know how I felt and I didn't just use you. I really liked you. Really. You helped me become unbroken. You were my best friend for the longest time. I'm glad we're able to fix some shit up now. Makes my life easier, not having to deal with so much drama; or at least makes it so I don't have drama to ignore ;P (Hopefully, that didn't sound mean..?)

6. Ahhhh!!! You owe me sex! You pinkie-promised! JK............ For now [; I know you're BF would get upset if you had sex with, supposedly, a 'gay' guy. Maybe Brian and I should feel special he worries ;P though he probably does about all guys, so we're not that special... But!! You're probably my best friend at the school. More than Brian, 'cuz we hate him [; Not really, but it's a nice thought! You and I hang out more than he and I do. Plus, we don't have many more friends than outside that little loop, and I think he knows like.. Everybody! God! We talked about it the other day, you always have more fun with me [: I make things an adventure ;D Or at least try.. :P Obviously, I love, even when I try and say I hate you and you call me on it :l

Ex's I've decided to leave 'Un-Tagged'

7. You. My God. I fucking hate you. I thought you were my world. For nearly a year, you were. You cheated on me. Once with my best friend. And however many times after that? I don't even know. We tried, over and over. I kept trying to get you're affection back. But, you were way too interested in all the other guys. Even this summer. We had a really good relationship. We even made these extensive plans into trying again, but even when we tried committing to each other, you still couldn't keep your mind set on me. You had to go to all these other guys, and then, like it mattered, tried to make me think it was only me. But I knew. I'm not an idiot. You made it clear on your MySpace. Which, by the way, I don't feel creepy about lurking on, because, technically, we were a thing. Whatever. You're doomed to live a loveless life. You just want a quick fix. You don't know how to commit.

8. I'm really only mentioning you for one reason. It's because I have one thing to say to you, something I feel you deserve an explanation for. It's probably the shittiest thing I've ever done as a human being. I stopped liking you, wayyyy before I made those dumb promises, which, another guilt, I made because I thought I could find some stability if I'd run away. And the reason for that is--- You're the single most illiterate girl I've ever met, let alone dated. Don't get me wrong You're really nice, and you're fairly cute..? I never thought you were as gorgeous as everyone else seemed to rave about. But, I don't know.. It was just the biggest thing that has ever made me become unattracted to a girl.. And I feel you just deserve to know that. Which is why I'm saying it here, where you'll never read it. 'Cuz I'm pretty sure you don't even have Facebook. Thanks for ratting me out, by the way, when I ran away. If you hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am. I'd be in the shit hole called Fallon, NV.

9.You. Girl. You had me. Real good. I don't know how I fell for you so hard. You were just so different from any girl I'd ever met. It was one of the most appealing traits I've ever known in a person. I really miss hanging out with you, talking to you. I was totally into you, cihickie. I kinda felt like a pedophile, being that you were 3 years or so younger than me, but you never seemed that young. You're a lot older than your age says. I don't know how else to say anything to you. You intimidated me. I was actually worried about messing things up all the time. We had too little time together. That was both our faults. We both made mistakes. You'll always have a good place in my heart, though. You're one of the few to hold a lasting effect on me. A positive one, at least. I love you for that [:

10. Fuck... What am I supposed to say at this juncture? What is there to say about you? I love you, I hate you.. Everything in between I have felt about you. You're the girl I was with longer than any other.. We shared so much with each other.. I know I don't really matter in your life anymore.. And, for the most part, you don't matter in mine. But, lately.. I don't know.. I've just felt some kind of empty pit hollowing through my insides everytime I think about you. I don't know what's going on. I can't tell what we have going on here. It's like, half-friendship, half-nothing. I suppose that fits though, after being out of one anothers lives for so long.. I kinda wish we could've ended things better.. No.. I really wish we could have. I feel like I want you in my life. I want you there, even if it's just as a good friend. I find myself really wanting to talk to you lately. My heart went out to you the other night. At work.. When you came in and we talked as I BS'd in dining for about half an hour just so you could talk to me. I'm always here. I just wish you took advantage of that sometimes.. /: I don't know how I feel about you at this point, but i know now that I do love you. In one way, or another.

NINE things about myself:

1. I keep a lot of things bottled up; feelings, secrets, etc.
2. I'm scared of having no friends..
3. I'm scared of not being liked.. I just want to be a likable person.
4. I'm scared of growing old and getting feeble and becoming unable to do things I can now...
5. Typically, the harder I try not to fall in love, the faster I do.
6. Final Fantasy is my favorite game series, ever. Anything tied to it, as well. Such as other Square Soft/Enix games
7. The only manga/anime I enjoy anymore is Bleach, and it's the shit.
8. I love to eat 'Just Bunches' ; It's the best cereal in all of existence
9. I take pride in recognizing a large majority of actors/ actresses, musicians, etc.

EIGHT ways to win my heart:

1. Food [:
2. Be funny
3. Wear Converse
4. Like my music, or something I could like as well
5. Act
6. Drum
7. Be outgoing in a relationship
8. Keep my heart from tearing apart....


SEVEN things that cross my mind a lot:

1. Shelbi [:
2. Love.
3. My desperate money-need..
4. Texting, wishing people talked to me more :P
5. .... /:
6. Fitting in..
7. My physical appearance


SIX things I do before I fall asleep:

1. Plug in my phone, constantly checking it.
2. Plug in anything else that needs to be charged.
3.Check the internet; Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, Etc.
4. Make sure my homework is done.
5. Strip down 'til I'm comfortable :P
6. Get comfortable in my bed, or wherever I'm sleeping, and relax.


FIVE people [or groups of people] who mean a lot.

1. Shelbi
2. Elias
3. Caitlin
4. Family
5. Yea...


FOUR things you're wearing right now.

1. Dark-blue Aeropostle shirt I've had for a couple years..
2. 'Express Jeans' jeans that have a huge rip on my thigh
3. Tights I wear for Fundamentals, so my legs don't freeze from the rip
4. Two different socks and some brand of underwear


THREE songs that you listen to often. [Currently]

1. Replay by Iyaz
2. The Curse of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For
3. Down by Jay Sean, ft. Lil' Wayne


TWO things you want to do before you die.

1) Have my own family
2) Live life extremely


ONE confession.

1. I'm terrified of not knowing what I want, which sometimes leads me to think I want things i don't... /:

And that's that [: Not much more to add to this particular blog.. I'll post again when I've got something more interesting or whatever :P

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---------------------------Eevee-------------------------Scyther-------------------------------

I said I was super content. That's a lie. I'm way beyond content [:

The Last Of A Void War

I just keep practicing,

saying goodbye to you

So... It seems like this may be it.. The end of a backless fight that has lasted the past 9-10 months... Between me and Zoey.

Zoey. What else am I supposed to say about Zoey? Since we broke up.. There's just been a tremendous and endless amount of tension between us. Harsh tension. But, within this past week or so, we've kinda been talking. When it started, I was kinda upset, irritated, wondering how we could just move on from everything that has happened, and just attempting to be the best of friends. But now, I don't know.. It feels kinda.. Nice..? Honestly. We're not BEST friends, but it's like we're good friends.. After all the arguments and animosity, I actually feel myself enjoying friendship, with the girl I once believed I'd spend my whole life with.

• 
  
  "I miss talking to you.." -Zoey
  
• 
  
  "Then.. Talk to me..." -Me

It's probably the last thing I expected her to say to me. But, it kinda put a pit inside my stomach. It was just.. Different. In a very familiar way. I'm a contradictory person, if any of you haven't noticed by now. So, basically, for the past couple days, we've been tryin to catch each other on Facebook and stuff.. She came into Culver's the other day while I was working, so I sat in the dining room for a while, 'cleaning' tables and floors and such.. We had a nice chat.. Good laughs.. She told me some serious stuff, and those things, I believe, are what finally got me. I felt that old sympathy for her.. The kind I used to feel when we used to talk about problems going on in each others lives.. Make no mistake! I'm not going to go down that whole road of falling for her again; her and I aren't a pair. I've got my Shelbi now. I'm super content [: But, I just felt for her. I didn't pity her, I sympathized.

Anyway.. Thought I'd just get that out there.. Felt like it was a pretty major, new thing going on.. Other than that.. Not too much lately.. Hoping to find a new job down here so I don't have to travel an hour to work and an hour back everytime, spending 90% of my money on gas.. -_- I'm so in debt at this present juncture... ]: Mreh. Hopefully, I'll get to see Shelbi tomorrow, she was up in Alexandria all weekend so I barely got to even talk to her... /: Bah. Dumb Alexandria school...... :P Anywho.

Time for cool pics!! Commentssss!!! :D On any of this! [: