Deicide

So.. I just spent the last hour of my life preventing 3 guys from my dorm floor from committing suicide. I found this experience quite.. different, for lack of a more qualified term. A year ago, I wouldn't have had cared. I was dealing witht he same situation all 3 of these guys were talking about. A broken heart.

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Why is it, that even if everything else in life is going well, we force ourselves to focus on specific, negative parts of our lives? These guys have plenty of great things going for them: college, intellect, friends, and the kind of guys I'd be jealous of just from their physiques. Yet, still, convinced that the loves they had just lost were the last they'd ever have, they were ready to just give it up. I don't know.. Here was my struggle---

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I didn't know what to say to them. How was I to justify that they could love again? I'd been in their very places, further even. I attempted suicide multiple times, was committed, and still found it difficult to move on with life. I does one change the mind of someone so set that they will never find someone meant for them? Well, if it helps anyone, I didn't have an answer.

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I didn't change their minds about suicide. I just stopped them from doing it. I took their keys, I broke the only will they had left; the will to actually stop everything. I don't have an answer on how to save a life. I'm not a hero or anything.. If anything, I feel like a coward. A coward for not stepping in and telling them to live life.

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Love, in life, is one of the greatest gifts I've ever recieved. I've had a privelege to form relationships with many people, to love them, to be loved in return. To find my special someone. But I can't relate my life to others. Everyone has to go through rough spots at some point. Was I lucky, or unlucky, enough to have had my time earlier than some? It's not as if my life's a breeze now that I've discovered something meaningful in life. I don't even know what I'm trying to say at this point..

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I sit here and see that my life has changed. It's constantly changing. The same is true for everyone in this world. No one truly knows what will happen next, but how we deal with it, that's what makes us who we are. That's what builds us up, or breaks us down. So, when the time comes, how will you deal with life?

The Revenger's High

Hey, Soul Sister

by: Train

Hey.

Heeeeey.

Heeeeey.

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains.

I knew I wouldn't forget ya', and so I went and let you blow my mind.

Your sweet moonbeam.

The smell of you in every single dream I dream.

I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind.

Hey, Soul Sister.

Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo.

The way you move ain't far ya' know.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Hey.

Heeeey.

Heeeey.

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me.

You gave my life direction.

A game show love connection we can't denyyyyyy.

I'm so obsessed.

My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.

I believe in you.

Like a virgin, you're Madonna.

And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind.

Hey, Soul Sister.

Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo.

The way you move ain't fair ya' know.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Way you can cut a rug.

Watching you's the only drug I need.

So gansta', I'm so thug.

You're the only one I'm dreamin' of, you see.

I can be myself now, finally.

In fact, there's nothing I can't be.

I want the world to see you be with me.

Hey, Soul Sister.

Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo.

The way you move ain't fair ya' know.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Hey, Soul Sister.

I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight.

Hey.

Heeeey.

Heeeey.

Tonight.

Hey.

Heeeey.

Heeeey.

Tonight.

Empty Dialogue

The Blazing Glaciers

I've come to a moment of revelation. It occured last night.. I'm not quite sure exactly what's caused this amazing epiphany, but it's the greatest feeling I've ever felt!! :D Allow me to attempt to explain...

This is how my heart started out after I was hurt.. Shattered. Incapable of being repaired. So what was I do? It's not easy going from this feeling to anything humane. So...

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It became this. Frozen. I became cold-hearted. In a sense.. I'm sure plenty of people would testify this. Anyone who did deal with this.. I'm sorry ]: This was probably the single worst time period of my life.. I didn't know who I was, who anyone was. I felt nothing but resentment to the entire world. There was nothing I could do to make this feeling go away.. My heart was totally shut off to the world.. Until... [;

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I met my Shelbi Lynne! :D And suddenly the shell around my heart began to break apart. My defenses against feelings and emotion had been completely torn down.. I started feeling human again.. Of course, I started feeling remorse and regret for the way I'd treated everyone I cared about.. But there really wasn't anything I could do to take all that back was there? No.. /: Of course, I wasn't whole.. Underneath that barrier, my heart hadn't been given room to heal..

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But then it slowly began to [: My heart had been pieced back together and was slowly but most certainly becoming whole again. It was a difficult process... I experienced all those old, paranoid issues; jealousy, selfishness, etc. All the things I'd done in the past to mess up good, stable relationships. I doubted, disbelieved: I didn't deserve what I was receiving, thus, I questioned it... But, before I knew it....

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My heart was burning with love!!! I was utter happiness, more than I'd ever truly experienced before. Shelbi showed me love I'd never been given before in my life. She genuinely liked me and everything I was. She loved all my problems, never got upset when I'd lose control and freak out like in my past.. She put up with alot of paranoia and I finally realized.. I'm not losing this girl. She's mine. All mine [: So where to you go from such a burning love?? What more is there? Love is supposed to be the strongest emotion.. So where do you go from there? Something felt to simple about it just being love.. I had to figure it out.

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Piper and Leo.

Romeo and Juliet.

Zack and Aeris.

Sora and Kairi.

Shawn and Juliet [;

Emil and Malia ;D

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All of those couples seemed to have something more than just love. Something that couldn't truly be only expressed as love. Even more than what some would consider 'true love.' And I knew I'd suddenly found this. It's as if.. My soul was never really with me.. As if Shelbi was the one in possession of my soul, so as long as I didn't have her, I was fully incapable of being complete. Now that we're together, my soul is complete. Side note: Elias has like a copy of my soul. The kind of thing when you realize that someone can truly understand everything about you no matter how different you may seem. That's how I am with both Shelbi and Elias.. It's so strange!! So what is it I found I have with Shelbi??

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My answer:

Transcension!

My heart cannot contain what I'm experiencing. The simple emotion of love doesn't come to close to what I've found. Ever since I talked long ago with Emil, I've searched for this. And somehow I was lucky enough to stumble across this. Everything has fallen into place and I've obtained a higher understanding of everything in my life! All the questions I've had about myself, my relationships, my problems; all solved in the moment of bliss I discovered I was living in. I understand how people can pass away when they're 'one' leaves them in this life. They can't go on without this person because, in an essence, they're one soul existing in two bodies. That's a revelation that not even I am sure of how I just went about explaining. It was a journey through my life and my 'loves' and everything I've gone through.. I remembered everything in an everlasting instant, and finally; Epiphany!!! :D Anyone understand?? Someday I'm sure people can find this in their own time.. Perhaps their time won't even be within their actual lifetime, but at some point in their existence, everyone may find this [:

DKWI.

DKWI.

DKWI.

Shelbi!

i love muh shelbi and i is bloggin just fer her bc she likes wen i blog!!!!! :D E>

Tell Your Children The Truth

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So! After about a month and 4 incomplete/un-published posts later.. I've finally been hit. With the inspiration. The inspiration I seek to actually commit to one of these posts! It'd been missing for a while.. What with a month long Christmas break, stress of college, and other such pleasures, I've finally come to a revelation. So. Alas, we begin.

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I am a dreamer.

I dream of being something great.

I imagine, I wish..

Mostly, I like to imagine I'm super sometimes..

Like, I'm a hero..

You see.. I live my life in fantasy.

I play games, watch shows, all these things that revolve around...

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Heroes.

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Final Fantasy,

Dragon Ball Z,

Batman,

Superman,

Outlaw Star,

Lots lots more.

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And, I like to combine these, in my mnid, and become something greater than I could ever possibly become. And, I grow sad and weary at times because I know that I will never reach my dreams... My dreams are beyond the stars.. Beyond the far reaches of space and imagination...

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Well...

Most of them.

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I also dream of Love.

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With most of the heroes I watch, there is ALWAYS, at least 99.9% of the time, Love. Complete. Undying. Far surpassing the abilities held by the heroes themselves. And that is where I find myself dreaming most vividly.

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I know I'll never fly through the skies.

I'll never be strong enough to right the wrongs in the world.

I'll never possess supernatural, superhuman, any kind of super abilities.

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Except One.

I love like there's no tomorrow. I put my whole entire heart into love. That's one thing I can be proud of. The dream I'm sure of. The dream I know I've already reached.

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As Shelbi is gone.. Enjoying her time at disney world [: And I lay back watching Superman Returns.. I was suddenly struck with my realizations... I became sullen about never being able to have powers such as his.. But, then I realized.. Most of these heroes experience tragic romance. But I;ve surpassed evn the heroes of legend and lore and fantasy. I have a stupendous love!!! And I'm so thasnkful for it [: I'm exuberant about having my dearest Shelbi. Many a time I thought I'd found what I'd been searching for... I was experiencing tragic romances that of what the heroes had. But, the dreams weren't to settle for that of heroes. What I've found now is a true, real dream. Except my dream is reality.

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In all honesty, I've put an immeasurable amount of thought into marriage. Yes, I know. That's a huge deal. Tremendous, in fact. But, even though Shelbi and I have only dated 6 months, I've realized countless times that Shelbi is infalliable. At least, in respect, to our relationship. We simply coincide so well together [: I've never had a relationship as lasting as this one.. She's officially my longest relationship.. [: As well as my most stable relationship.. Right from the beginning.

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She had me at. "Hello.."

Or rather, "I like your shoes.."

^-^

And thus, I know, Shelbi is the girl I wish to be with for all eternity, although I've come to relaize eternity itself shall never be mine to roam [:

I Hate Loneliness, But It Loves Me

^

That's how I feel..

I find myself extremely alone... The people I've made as friends are leaving.. And the people I try and be friends with are already safe enough in their own group of friends that I've no space to fit in.. I mean, no ones really unkind to me or anything, but.. I just don't fit in.. Becky's leaving.. Mike's leaving.. Elias already left me... Shelbi.. Shelbi's leaving... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'd prefer for eeryone to just hate me everywhere. At least that way, I wouldn't have to struggle to try and make relationships. I'm just gonna give up on everything...

The Shooting Star Project

[:

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I remember. The first time I truly realized that Shelbi was the one for me.. [:

`

It was a Saturday night.. Her and I had just been at the social gathering for Olde Towne DT, and she still had a while until she had to head back home. So, instead of stopping at her car, we simply passed it and went straight to Worthing. And just for the realization; we'd barely even kissed by this point... That was the most we'd ever done.. Little kisses on the lips and rubbin' our noses together.... ^.^

`

So, we get to Worthing, and we head over to the school park, where other kids happened to be hanging out at as well, at 10:30 at night. We just kinda ignored them until they went away.. Then we explored the rest of the park.. Eventually, we layed down on top of one of the pieces of playground equipment.. As we were lying there, we both saw a shooting star go by..

`

She'd never seen a shooting star in real life before...

`

And they they all went flying by.. [:

`

We just so happened to have ssettled down just in time for a meteor shower.. And that's when I was hit with the realization. It was the 'Sleep-Watch' moment I said I wanted before... The feeling at least.. But, I have had plenty of actual moments like that since just to further verify my beliefs..

`

And, in turn, we are today happily together for 4 months [: We've barely ever argued, and typically, when we do, it's completely jovial [: I absolutely love my Shelbi Lynne...

:D E>